Today was such a close call. I have been really struggling to keep my footing with my recovery lately, and today was so close to my binge breaking point. My schedule lately has been all out of my routine and that has really been messing with me. Thankfully, I was able to pinpoint that I was feeling out of control with this break of a routine type of day, and was able to engage in activities that were positive and helped me catch myself become I fell.
Last weekend I was going to go to visit out of town relatives, and this weekend I have family coming in town as well. With these experiences on my radar, I have been feeling extremely threatened and unstable. Schemes of restricting to lose an extra couple pounds, and intense impulses on the need to binge, binge, binge, have been a large part of my thoughts lately. I have thought about why it is that I always- even in much, much easier times, get so anxious around these visits. I realized that the only time in my life I ever really good positive feedback was when I reached puberty and my body changed. I was constantly being complemented on my outward appearance. I felt valued and loved because people liked the way that I looked. People treated me differently- with much more respect and compliments. Now, at 23 and I often feel like my body is 33 with all of the stress it carries, I’m not showered with the same attention. I’ve gone through periods of weight gain and my body looked much, much different, and I was treated negatively from people who mean a lot from me as a direct result of that.
The reason why I get so anxious before visits is because Ed knows that I will be given more affection and positive treatment if there’s less of me. So I hate every extra ounce on my body, especially before a visit, because I know that that will decrease the love that I feel like I’d otherwise receive. And I am desparately starved for love and a feeling of belongingness. So I restrict, restrict, love going to bed hungry with the desperate plea to dissolve by the morning, to fit the image of who these people want me to be. And I have overwhelming and addictive impulses to binge and intoxicate myself in that numbness when I feel hopeless, when I feel like I will never get skinny enough, when I feel like I will always be out of touch of love.