March 5, 2013

We’re into March. I am really trying to appreciate these days, to take them slowly and carefully and preciously. It’s easy to let the mundane carry us away and have our lives simply defined into the broad folds of “trips” and “work” but I am really trying to appreciate the in between, the life that really makes up our years. I am a student, I have had a long path of being a student and even though it is going to come to a close sooner or later, it’s always felt like “later” so I’ve become trapped in a rut of feeling inadequate, incapable of real, tangible accomplishments other than seemingly arbitrary high letter grades. I recently learned and contemplated the statement, “meaning and truth develops over time.” I am really trying to listen to my life path, see the story from a distance, and clearly see how that statement can apply to my educational marathon and find peace and assurance in that. While I’d like to say that I have and I’m now comfortable and confident in the way that I’ve spent my time, I can’t. But I will say that I don’t like being in a place where I look back and I reflect and I’m ashamed and embarrassed by my decisions and my decision making process. Educationally I know that when I made the decision to move across the country and not finish my degree my prefrontal cortex was not fully developed, which is the part of the brain that makes decisions and higher end thinking. But all that just seems like nonsense to me, an excuse to pass off bad judgment as being okay. Whatever the case, I am determined to not continue on the path of not thinking wisely and fully and then look back with regrets and uncertainty as to how I spent my time. Thus, here I am, on a Tuesday afternoon in the dead of midterms, trying to fully and cheerfully appreciate the ins and outs of “life”, which currently means tackling a paper that I’m not quite interested in.

I’m writing not out of procrastination, although that could easily turn in that direction, but rather because I am desparately trying to apply my therapy into my daily life, make some real progress in March, and “make a space for my emotions.” More applicably, FEEL my emotions. Recently I was asked if my life has any safe spaces and people where I feel like I can authentically feel my emotions. The question was something I would find myself asking others. My life is 100% filled with places, people, and safety to feel and express and explore and grow and for that I am sincerely thankful. That has never been the case and I am so blessed and grateful that God blessed me with an amazing husband and home to feel comfortable and safe. Frankly, my entire life right now is in the stage of self exploration and development. I want to have kids but we’re not ready for them occupation wise. This has been a perfect time to develop ourselves and our lives together and dig deep. The problem, as it usually is, is ME. I don’t allow myself to feel emotions because I don’t want to deal with them. But I’m determined to not sustain the cycle of generational mis-parenting, so I must suck it up and face the facts.

Thus, I am writing. I was starting to feel on-edge. Last week I put on a bit of weight. The trigger was I had to get weighed in for my last assessment for the eating disorder group therapy experiment I was in last semester. Things had been going really well for me, I was on the upside of things, I was feeling GREAT about my body (truly) and I was eating very well, and then I got weighed. I weighed the same as I had a month ago. That somehow triggered me and I slowly went downhill into a several day overeat cycle of feeling completely out of control and hopeless. I was thinking how could I weigh the same now as I did before? I thought I weighed so much before and now I’m suddenly feeling so happy with that, that cannot be okay. The cycle lasted and now it’s thankfully over. Again it’s the weird balance of trying to find the in between, trying to find health. Also, I have realized that snacking all day is not for me. Ed uses those times to tease me and hang out in my mind and that’s super harmful to me. Rather, I will have three nutricious meals a day and a dessert to ensure I’m getting enough fat. I am slowly starting to feel better about my body and I know that in a week or two I will even out and feel much better. Next Wednesday I have an appointment with my doctor and I am really hoping I weigh 120-121. I would ideally like to stay 120, but I will be compassionate with myself if I weigh 121 (the same as I weighed last time I went to the doctor).

Spring break is next week and that’s causing a lot of stress. Additionally my good friend who I never see is coming the first week of April and I really want to be skinny for that visit. I know though that restricting and bingeing are not the ways to do it. My goal for March is that it can be different. That it is not just another month with Ed, another month of highs and lows, but that it can be distinctly different than the rest. That I can live in health most of the days. That I can keep my thoughts on food and exercise mainly on how to give my body nutrients and take care of myself, rather than what I don’t like about my body. I am hoping that by the end of the month, I can be running 2 times a week for one mile reguarly, and that that’s a really good thing. I have been loving the endorphines that it’s been giving me. Absolutely loving them! I am hoping that running can continue to be a good thing for my health, mentally and physically. Additionally, I have a goal to decrease my sweet potato consumption and increase my protein and fat consumption. I did not get my period last month and I know it can take a while for it to be regular again, and I have always been somewhat irregular, but I do take that very seriously. I got my period when I was in Florida when I was not eating what I normally do. I want to know how to take care of this body myself, not having other people do it for me. I think the part of the problem is my sweet potato consumption. In Florida I was getting a variety of foods, but here is not the same.

Anyways, that’s all. I hope the next time I write I can share some progress that I have made. I hope that little by little, through the mundane of life I can be moving forward, finding the middle ground called health.

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