I’m struggling so much right now with my mom, my responsibilities, my endurance. I’m tired. It’s 3:30pm and I have a paper to cram in for tomorrow that’s worth a lot of my grade. It’s not a hard paper and the subject matter is interesting, but it’s still something that I have to get done at a time where I really don’t feel like getting it done.
The last few days have been really rough with my mom. We’ve gotten into our second fight while she’s lived in Austin and that really wears me. I’ve realized how deep rooted my bitterness and frustration is in my heart, which has spread into hatred towards both my mom and my dad. It’s exhausting. God is so merciful and I have to believe that He will use this as a story of mercy and grace, of redemption and His beauty, but it’s tough nonetheless.
The stress is wearing on me. It physically damages my health. It emotionally takes its toll. And it comes out in my relationship towards food. I have impulses, thoughts of eating, bingeing when things get rough, when I’m faced with conflict, stress, and turmoil. I cope with distress by numbing out, and do so by bingeing. It is that bingeing that leads to restriction, which leads to a living hell. I’m writing right now because I started to feel those thoughts, feel myself tighten up and plan how I was going to intoxicate myself from all this pain, how I was going to eat my worries away. I don’t want to handle conflict that way. I want to look it dead in the eye, acknowledge it, and handle it with God’s grace and compassion. I want God to be in all of my relationships, so it is always a three-party interaction, because I now know that I cannot do it on my own.
At the end of it all though, it is absolutely beautiful how God is working. He’s answering my prayers. It’s beautiful and I wish it will never cease. I pray that Jesus romances me, captivates my soul, claims me as His very own. I pray that this is not a distant wish, a momentary thought, but a deeply rooted cry that fills my soul until my very last breath. I know now that I cannot make it that way however. I cannot save myself, my loved ones, my situations, my pains. I can only surrender. I can only surrender it all. I pray for courage to willingly, and unwaveringly, cry out to Christ to save me from this mess of a reality that we have been in since Eden.
We’re into April! It’s been a while since I’ve written in here and I feel it. Blogging really helps me to stay grounded and on-track. I am proud to say that I did reach my March goal, I did not overeat at all the rest of the month. That’s such an accomplishment and a long time in coming. I am so happy to feel like I’m moving forward from this crippling and fatal disease. It’s scary and even as I write this I feel Ed’s apprehensions, but I am in a different place and I am really glad about that. I have also recently increased my running to twice a week, which is exciting to think that I’m moving forward in this goal as well.
My life has been a bit out of sorts lately, but for good reasons. My good friend visited me for an extended weekend this past weekend, and another good friend is on a plane right now to stay with me for the rest of the week. It was so great and refreshing to spend some time last weekend with her, and I want the same to happen now. It is so generous of them, both time and financially, and I want to be fully present with them. I am overwhelmed with school right now, I have an exam on Thursday that I do not feel prepared for and that could have a major influence over my grade, and I have a paper due next Monday that I have not started at all either. So the school stressors are still there, but even with those, I want to find myself feeling refreshed and grounded. This is her vacation that she has been so generous to share with me, I do not want to burden her with temporary stressors. I find myself feeling the urge to binge, overeat, and yell a lot lately. I have not been doing as good of a job as I would like checking in with myself and soothing myself. Time is so limited for anything extraneous like that.
My goal for April is to keep moving forward. Particularly, I want to broaden my array of stress-reducing techniques that I reply on. I find myself falling back on two urges: food and TV. I learned these behaviors from my parents, and while they are so engrained in me, I do not want to live my life in that manner. I do not want to look back and only see a blur of nights watching Friends in bed. I want to see life and fullness and richness and exploration. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with tv, but when that’s your only source of comfort and happiness, that’s a problem. There is so much goodness and joy to be found in life and tv just simply cannot bring those things. This month I want to get in a better habit of going on walks more, playing tennis, reading, going to the park, and playing games. I believe these things are truly energy producing and life giving, and though they feel so unnatural and against the grain, I must go out of my comfort zone if I am going to break this cycle. I do not want to numb my life away, I want to live it vibrantly. My intention for April is to look back and see many nights well spent, many corners of seemingly ordinary days brightened and enriched by a simpler, quieter life.
I feel I am becoming too Americanized.