Tuesday, April 2, 3013

We’re into April! It’s been a while since I’ve written in here and I feel it. Blogging really helps me to stay grounded and on-track. I am proud to say that I did reach my March goal, I did not overeat at all the rest of the month. That’s such an accomplishment and a long time in coming. I am so happy to feel like I’m moving forward from this crippling and fatal disease. It’s scary and even as I write this I feel Ed’s apprehensions, but I am in a different place and I am really glad about that. I have also recently increased my running to twice a week, which is exciting to think that I’m moving forward in this goal as well.

My life has been a bit out of sorts lately, but for good reasons. My good friend visited me for an extended weekend this past weekend, and another good friend is on a plane right now to stay with me for the rest of the week. It was so great and refreshing to spend some time last weekend with her, and I want the same to happen now. It is so generous of them, both time and financially, and I want to be fully present with them. I am overwhelmed with school right now, I have an exam on Thursday that I do not feel prepared for and that could have a major influence over my grade, and I have a paper due next Monday that I have not started at all either. So the school stressors are still there, but even with those, I want to find myself feeling refreshed and grounded. This is her vacation that she has been so generous to share with me, I do not want to burden her with temporary stressors. I find myself feeling the urge to binge, overeat, and yell a lot lately. I have not been doing as good of a job as I would like checking in with myself and soothing myself. Time is so limited for anything extraneous like that.

My goal for April is to keep moving forward. Particularly, I want to broaden my array of stress-reducing techniques that I reply on. I find myself falling back on two urges: food and TV. I learned these behaviors from my parents, and while they are so engrained in me, I do not want to live my life in that manner. I do not want to look back and only see a blur of nights watching Friends in bed. I want to see life and fullness and richness and exploration. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with tv, but when that’s your only source of comfort and happiness, that’s a problem. There is so much goodness and joy to be found in life and tv just simply cannot bring those things. This month I want to get in a better habit of going on walks more, playing tennis, reading, going to the park, and playing games. I believe these things are truly energy producing and life giving, and though they feel so unnatural and against the grain, I must go out of my comfort zone if I am going to break this cycle. I do not want to numb my life away, I want to live it vibrantly. My intention for April is to look back and see many nights well spent, many corners of seemingly ordinary days brightened and enriched by a simpler, quieter life.

I feel I am becoming too Americanized.

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