Sunday, April 7, 2013

I’m struggling so much right now with my mom, my responsibilities, my endurance. I’m tired. It’s 3:30pm and I have a paper to cram in for tomorrow that’s worth a lot of my grade. It’s not a hard paper and the subject matter is interesting, but it’s still something that I have to get done at a time where I really don’t feel like getting it done.

The last few days have been really rough with my mom. We’ve gotten into our second fight while she’s lived in Austin and that really wears me. I’ve realized how deep rooted my bitterness and frustration is in my heart, which has spread into hatred towards both my mom and my dad. It’s exhausting. God is so merciful and I have to believe that He will use this as a story of mercy and grace, of redemption and His beauty, but it’s tough nonetheless.

The stress is wearing on me. It physically damages my health. It emotionally takes its toll. And it comes out in my relationship towards food. I have impulses, thoughts of eating, bingeing when things get rough, when I’m faced with conflict, stress, and turmoil. I cope with distress by numbing out, and do so by bingeing. It is that bingeing that leads to restriction, which leads to a living hell. I’m writing right now because I started to feel those thoughts, feel myself tighten up and plan how I was going to intoxicate myself from all this pain, how I was going to eat my worries away. I don’t want to handle conflict that way. I want to look it dead in the eye, acknowledge it, and handle it with God’s grace and compassion. I want God to be in all of my relationships, so it is always a three-party interaction, because I now know that I cannot do it on my own.

At the end of it all though, it is absolutely beautiful how God is working. He’s answering my prayers. It’s beautiful and I wish it will never cease. I pray that Jesus romances me, captivates my soul, claims me as His very own. I pray that this is not a distant wish, a momentary thought, but a deeply rooted cry that fills my soul until my very last breath. I know now that I cannot make it that way however. I cannot save myself, my loved ones, my situations, my pains. I can only surrender. I can only surrender it all. I pray for courage to willingly, and unwaveringly, cry out to Christ to save me from this mess of a reality that we have been in since Eden.

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